“Why are you knocking at every other door? Go, knock at the door of your own heart.” – Rumi
“I tell you this to break your heart, by which I mean only that it break open and never close again to the rest of the world.” – Mary Oliver
Oh, heart.
Nice to be with you again. I want to let you know that you look flat in pictures. Not that you feel flat, I’m not saying that. Just…you are hard to capture. Outside of the body.
Nothing to say? Not yet Not yet Not yet
I’m inviting me back in. I’m trying to pull back pieces of me that were blown apart when that thing happened and then that other thing. And, of course, her and him and that big jumble over there because life is like that. As I step on to my mat today, I call you back in, and of course you have always been here. I was the one who left. You are my steady friend. My deep resource. You welcome me back like this, like this, like this. Like how you have always been.
I lie down and put my hand over the cage where you live. I’m sorry I tried to control you. I’m sorry I tried to control anything, ever.
You are fast now, and I feel the dance between you and my lungs: supporting, soothing, sinking. Down down down. I let gravity hold me. Every exhale a chance to let go and listen. My fingertips now. I touch them together over you, and I can feel you through my skin. You meet the softness of my touch with your strength.
I think of the term “hard hearted”. I think of the term “heavy heart”. Oh, we had those times together. Still here, still here, still here. Let’s roll onto our side now. At your pace, your rhythm, my bass beat. Side to side, now I can massage your back. I carry things back here. There are wounds. I carry things that are both literally and figuratively behind me. They are now a residue and a crust. A shield. You know, anatomically this part of our back protects you. Above you and below you, the spine actually loves to bend backwards – and is designed to bend that way – here, though, the transverse processes are longer. So, when we bend back they touch each other to create a shield. I never needed to add to that. I am already perfect by design. I think of a dorsal fin. I think of Alexis Pauline Gumbs’ stunning book Undrowned. The dorsal practice is the practice she refers to as a “stabilizing practice”. “What are your dorsal practices?”, she asks. “What evolutionary repetitions have you cultivated to move through oceans? What are the ones you need to cultivate for the waves moving you now?”
Waves, yes. Let’s float and move through the waves. Cat/Cow. Waves. Head like seaweed floating, receiving.
The first time I offer you forward, you are resistant. I get it. Why would you trust me? I have put you out and locked you in and ignored you. You are the heart of my heart of my universe.** You show me how to be steady and patient, so I am this way with you now. A little up, a little down. A little forward, a little back. Stick your head out and retreat to your shell. Safety will come or maybe it won’t. Heart, I worry too much. You do, you do, you do. Remember when I thought we would die from grief? I do I do I do. We lived. You never stopped.
Is it dark in there?
In where?, you respond.
Leonard Cohen sings: “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” You are a cracked little thing, I say. No, you reply, I am big.
This time when I’m twisting, I’m giving you a gateway to look around like a periscope. I imagine you are shining your light out. Like a beacon. I think of the phrase “light-hearted”. And how sometimes you whisper “Psssst…over here.”*** This strikes me as funny. Why am I afraid to look where you are shining? What if I fail? You will, you will, you will. And what if it happens, this beautiful thing that I’m dreaming? It will, it will, it will. Heart, what kind of answer is that? I sit and I feel a different present. I roll, reach across. Reach in to outer space. Roll. Land in the middle again. Roll, reach, roll, land. It’s a rhythm now.
Hello thought.
Thought, meet heart. Yes, we’ve met. Heart, meet thought. Yes, we go way back. Thought often tells me what I want is impossible.
Well, I mean sometimes…
Why do you always listen to thought to thought to thought? I am the one who is here.
Lift up, soften down. Lift up, soften down. Sit and roll. All around you. Your sides, your front, your back. I create more space for you to dream heart dreams. I sit and from the bottom of you, I breathe. My diaphragm draws down and pulls a piece of you with it. I will create a vision from you. My diaphragm domes up and your essence floats upward. Your sweet heart fumes are comforting. I will lie and rest now. Rest my hands on you. Why do you run from me? Shhhhhh…I am remembering. I am remembering that we can be together through all of it.
We hold so much.
I know I know I know I wish this world were more gentle.#
I’m here I’m here I’m here.
You beautiful wild creature.
Heart, meet me. You’re home. You’re home. You’re home.
Acknowledgements: Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Undrowned **Rumi “you are the soul of the soul of the universe” Leonard Cohen, “Anthem” ***Coralette Damme, wood block print of a heart “Pssst” #text from my friend Rachel Miller, Friday, January 13th, 2023 Kerri Kelly, author American Detox, for the Emerge Retreat, 2022
Join me for the yoga practice I was doing during this convo: https://youtu.be/DVSSmmz0I-w
1. Lie on your back with your hands or one hand over your heart space. Feel your heart beating. Let your heart beat presence you in this moment.
2. If you wish, move your hands from your heart space and touch your fingers together in the air above your heart. Can you feel your heart beating in your fingertips?
3. When you feel settled, bring your arms out to your sides, gently draw your knees to your chest one knee at a time and drop your knees side-to-side. Find your own pace. You can explore keeping your shoulder blades on your mat or allowing your shoulder blades to lift. Which choice serves your needs right now? How little can you do?
4. The next time you drop your knees to your right, let them drop all the way down and roll to your right side, allowing your head to be heavy. Support your head w/a pillow or a folded blanket, if necessary. Let your left arm swing down over your left thigh. Continue moving your left arm toward your right arm in a 1/2 circle until something stops you. When that thing stops you, breathe into it. Swing your left arm back the way it came and roll back into the center. Roll to your left side and repeat. Alternate side to side until you feel satisfied. Stay on one side as long as you need.
5. When you feel ready, roll to a chosen side and come into a tabletop shape. Tuck your tail between your legs and round your back into a “Halloween cat” shape. Let your head be the last thing to move. Uncurl your tail and arch into a “cow” shape. Let your head be the last thing to move. Can you feel the wave of movement start at your tail and move through your spine? Receive that movement with the least resistance you have today.
6. Gently lower yourself to your stomach. Get situated. Maybe you need a blanket to cushion your hip points. Maybe you need to move your legs closer together or farther apart. Maybe you prefer to lie on a bolster or cushion. If your breasts are larger or tender, lie on a pillow or bolster, so they are not being smushed. Your breasts will rest off the edge of the bolster.
7. Land your hands, palms down, under your shoulders or wider than your shoulders. Find ease. Try to unravel the urge to force. The next time you inhale, pretend that you are pulling your hands toward your feet but don’t actually move them. As you are energetically moving your hands back, encourage your heart to move forward. When you exhale, soften back to your starting shape. Move like this with the rhythm of your breath. When you are finished with this exploration, pause.
8. Land your forearms either under your shoulders or wider than your shoulders. Press down and ground your forearms. Use the effort of grounding down into your forearms to lengthen your neck up and away from your shoulders. Your shoulders will move down as the crown of your head lengthens up. Within the space you created, drop your right shoulder in towards your heart. Let your upper back rotate toward the left. Your head is going along for the ride. Your head does not have to lead this movement. Rest your tired head. Allow it to receive. Now alternate your left shoulder in towards your heart. Move side to side with the rhythm of your breath. Pause when you feel done.
9. Land your hands where your elbows are. Press yourself into either Downward Facing Dog or Table Top. If you have been using a bolster, you can move your bolster off your mat or you can rest your head on it from the Downward Facing Dog or Table Top position. Sometimes you can. Sometimes you can’t. We’re all different shapes and sizes. All of our shapes and sizes are perfect. If that’s not working for you, take the bolster completely off your mat.
10. Allow your knees to touch down if you have been in Downward Facing Dog. Sit on the bolster or a folded blanket or on your bottom with your legs as straight as you can get them in front of you. Windshield wiper your legs side-to-side. The next time you rotate your legs to one side, rotate your torso as well, land your back hand and reach your opposite arm across your body into space. De-rotate, land your bottom, roll to your other side w/straight legs, land your back hand and reach your opposite arm across in this direction. Land, rotate and reach, alternating side to side. Pause when you feel finished.
11. Bring both hands behind you, fingers facing towards your body, towards the wall behind your or out towards the side of your mat. Ground into your hands and feet and lift your bottom any amount to come into a reverse table. Check in and be very honest with how your wrists feel right now bearing your body weight. You can also explore keeping your bottom on the mat, lifting your heart up towards the ceiling and softening back into your starting shape. If you choose to lift your bottom, you will be adding more weight to your wrists. Do your wrists want this today? Repeat until you feel satisfied.
12. Sit in a comfortable shape. Begin to roll your torso in a circle. Round your back as you roll through the back side of your heart, lungs and ribs, arch your back any amount as you spin through the front part of your torso. Pause and rotate in the opposite direction. Let your heart lead your movement.
13. Pause and feel. You can bring your hands to your heart space, touch your fingers together in front of your heart, like we did in the beginning or rest your arms altogether. Find your heartbeat, the rhythm and texture of it. Send some inquiries to your heart, if you feel called: How are you feeling? What are you holding? What do you desire? How can you feel free? You do not need to answer these questions with your mind. Let the questions float through and float away. Your heart will tell you the answers when it is ready. Our job is to listen.
14. Lie down and rest when you feel ready. If you have the time, rest longer than you think you need to. Please don’t skip rest. You deserve to rest deeply.
Blog written by and practice designed by Bethany Peabody
